Please, just read, no asking.

I really had the hardest time keeping my sadness inside, especially when it was school time. I'd never been good at vocalizing my emotions or expressing pain verbally. So if somebody tells me to prefer telling face to face about this, I won't. I think I'm good at writing instead of expressing something by my own mouth. I hope it could be understood clearly before I begin anything here.
I have a friend, my best friend, my sister, my everything. I love her with my whole heart. But the worst thing I ever had is that our friendship is getting lose nowadays. I felt that way since our Semester 1 exam. People asked me, are you guys having a fight or what? I told them I had to had my own time reading books because hello, it's exam, what do you expect? Exam is important for a nerd like me.
I do not mean that when I am with her, I won't have time reading and lastly brought to a worst marks for my papers. Not like that. She wasn't one of the reasons why I kept a distance between us, and I didn't want to! And I didn't meant to say that the exam is more important than her, that was not true!
When I was with her, I always try to have a great conversation with her like the old times, but eventually I can't. She seems happy with her boyfriend and what do you want me to do, interrupt them? No way, it is not good. They're sweet and I love seeing that, and I feel happy for her life now. I thought she will be okay if she has her boyfriend around instead of us. Why? Because we have to study for our papers. At that time, all we think was just the papers we will have to fight for. So we thought that we should spent the time that we had by studying. That's all. And don't get confuse, everyone in the class were busy reading their books, so it means we talked less, really like damn less. Everyone was feeling stressful, and so am I. By that, I thought I should leave her with her dearest boyfriend and me with my dearest books. That's all.
I read her blog recently and by that, I saw one of her post. I cried okay, satisfied with that? I didn't meant to hurt her by that way. I really thought that she will be okay as I really was busy with my exam. I never, or we never wanted to leave you like that.
Last Friday was the last time I met, or we met you, and the last time we've spoken. I wanted to cry okay? But I wasn't that type of person, crying in front of their best friends was something like superb makes my shy like fuck. We have planned to meet each other on this school holidays but I know that she wasn't allowed to go out this day. I don't know how to fix the things between us. I don't know how to talk to her after the holidays! I don't know how to fix everything.
We didn't have the gut to say goodbye on that last Friday, I didn't saw you but I felt sorry, I can't stay too long so I don't have time to find you. I hope you will have a great holidays. Mine was like hell but tomorrow I will see my personal assistant hahaha. I miss him like so hard. I miss him and I miss my best friends as well. Balance enough?

Okay bye. Hey Jason I love you HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

We're going to move out soon.

For the public's information, I'm going to move to a new house soon! I think we'll be moving out on this two weeks of school holidays. I can't wait though as the new house was looking pretty, decorated by my lady boss of the house. But things are getting worse in our old house now, too much of things need to be cleaned up and need to be boxed up (do we have that phrase in English?) I mean I need to put those our things that will be sent to our new house in the boxes. That was somehow makes me tired. I hope our house have servant to do those works!

It has been 1 month and 27 days we have been together! Soon we'll be reached to our 2 months. Why am I telling that?

Saja, mau minta puji sikit. Hahahaha!

Okay I've met his eldest sister and I was like can't talked at that time. I feel shy and that was a shit. I just can smiled to her and that was a shit too. I don't know why I was acting in that way but I do knew, that was terrible and can be classified as shit too. I miss you by the way. Have a great time you!

I saw this at Tumblr and guess what, I'm fucking hungry.

I hope we can make this lasting.

It has been 1 month and 13 days we have been together. Well honestly, I feel really happy being with you. I never feel like this before, and I think you changed the whole me. I’ve been dated for 2 guys and what I can conclude about myself when I am with them was that I was so childish and I love to say something which can hurt them. I feel like my attitude when I am with them was so embarrassing. When you came, you totally changed me. We never fight, we always tease each other, you love holding my hand and I love to smell your cologne. It just your family already knew about me, especially your sister! But I haven’t told mine. My mom was like curious knowing that I always go out to somewhere. I think I will tell her soon, I just can’t find a suitable time. Time flies fast isn’t it, we had spent so much of our time together, and I will always remember the way you are trying to hug me but you eventually haven’t really made that move. Haha! I hope I can hug you too, but well you know, I feel shy telling you that. We talked a bit for our future. I mean your future with your success and my future with my success - I love everything about you.

We met just now and it was officially our 7th date. You hold my hand like there was just us two in this world and you ignored people that are passed by. You hold my waist tight and I feel like you were protecting me.

Hold this relationship as tight as you can okay, because I will.

Feeling like wanna throw up? Haha. Have a great day everyone.

I'm madly in love.

The time currently shows 12.12am.
Here I am again with a story. Not so interesting but I guess I just wanna express this feeling of mine.
So, what I could say is that tomorrow will be our first monthsary! One month completed and yeay, we made it to this far. Not really that fucking far but enough said, we made it to this day and it feels so good. You guys should feel lucky because no one knows about our relationship but just the bloggers. I didn't admit a thing to my friends at school, but of course my best friends do know about this, they cannot miss a thing and that this one need to be spread to three of them.
I feel lucky to have him as I never met a guy like him. He is open-minded and sporting and that's what actually really matter. That's what caught my eyes as well as my fragile heart. For short, I'm madly in love with capital JK❤!
Wanna know a bit about this guy? Haha.
He's a lanky guy with a cute eyes. He got chinese-look. He wears simple but no doubt he's handsome no matter what shirt he wears. Not that educated BUT he got that hard-working attitude which you can't find it from me. He knows driving! He looks cool from far when driving. So sad that I'm a shorty and he's so taller than me, I'm so lack of height and I don't know how do we look together.

I simply love him, that's what really matter.

Something was wrong on me today.

I'm going to show my bravery tonight in this post about everything that I kept in me. I wanted to tell a long time ago but I think now was the right time to, errr you know, sharing.
It has been 18 days since 1st April 2012. I'm so happy. But suddenly I cried now. We were having a nice conversations as always, telling jokes and then teasing each other but in a good way. I teased him once just now and I think he didn't like it at all so he was like rebuked me but also in a good way. I didn't know what happens on me, I felt bad so I cried. Then he said he wanted to study, I know and I understand that, but it feels like unfair to me, I wanted someone to accompany me. But it was okay, fine, why should I be mad for something like that. See, everything starts from me, everything should blame on me.
And then I was thinking about my family. There was once, I was having a fight with my parents. They really put a lot of pressure on me lately. I always do house works but they don't care about it. But when I made a really small mistake or when I forgot to do the house works, they will shout at me. It's always the same every time. They didn't appreciate me at all. Besides, they prevent me from going to the tuition but when they saw me without opening my books, they will shout at me again. So I was wondering, what they want from me actually? I once heard my mom yelled at me at the living room when I was in my bedroom hiding. She reminded me to not disappointed her because she had prepared a lot for me includes the tuition classes and so on. The part that I hate the most is that she wanted me to get straight As without excuses. I cried in my bedroom making no noise. I was so shocked to heard that from my mom. She put more pressure on me and I still feel it this day. She never wants to understand me. Please understand me, the subjects I took for my SPM wasn't as easy as you thought. It takes a lot of efforts for me to catch up the entire subjects. It will be easier for me to catch all of them up if I was really that fucking clever. But the reality is, I am a dumbass, so, try to not expect much from me. I am really a dumbass. I would do anything to make you proud mom, but never challenge me in that way because I don't feel like being motivated, but I feel hurt instead.
I'm still crying, haha! I feel useless.

My new life begins now.

I went to the school with a sleepy face and the huge laziness of mine. Hoping that today's routine at school will come to its end as fast as possible. I hate books nowadays and I don't know why!
So when I reached my class, I asked my friends around me about what was going on when I was not around (as I had a competition last week, so I didn't touch any of my book last week because I was busy thinking about the competition). They told me that there was a looooooooooooooooooot of school works to be done. And there was a looooooooooooooooooot of notes that I had missed. How great was that? Great like shit, great like hell!
I started to have that stress feeling in me, it grows inside me sloooooooowly. Additional Mathematics, Mathematics, Biology, Chemistry and oh my gosh, Physics either. I really missed a lot. I need to catch up all of them before they eat me.
When I was doing my Additional Mathematics' works while actually I was in a English class, I noticed that my teacher started to stare at me. I felt scared of course and in the end, I finally closed my books for a while. I looked down and started to cry. The pressure I had at the moment overcame me. White flag is raised at my side. I think I should blame myself for everything that came to this situation. I cried a bit, no one saw that silly moment of mine. I wiped those tears and started all over again. Keep calm and raise the calculator! Hahahahaha.
This day, I didn't spent so much of my time with my best friends. I was in a rush all the time, there were a lot of works to be done, I didn't wanna leave my school works anymore. Never, I swear. Enough for me to cry by myself in the class today because of the stress that overcame me.

Here I come with my first test result!

Bahasa Malaysia - 74%
Bahasa Inggeris - 70%
Mathematics - 70%
Additional Mathematics - 37%
Biology - 40%
Chemistry - 49%
Physics - 48%
Pendidikan Islam - 67%
History - 64%
English for Science and Technology - 53%

Honestly, with these result, I better go die! Such a dumbass I am.

There's this handsome guy.

Last week was the most worst week for me. I cried a lot because of missing my grandpa. But I know I shouldn't be worried about him up there because God will takes a very good care of him right. I miss you a lot!
I received a message from a guy on Facebook, let me call him Mr. J! I don't know why I can be very friendly towards a stranger like him as I never acted like that before, I ignore boys' chat every time. He wasn't like "Hai, boleh berkenalan?" but he asked me: Do you know that rock band, We Are The Crowd? The vocalist and you look alike!
I said I don't know that band, so he gave me a link which linked to the picture of that female vocalist on Facebook. I got up there and I was thinking, we aren't look alike at all. And then again, are you serious? Haha. Then we chatted for some times and at the end of our conversations, he asked for my phone number. And I was like jual mahal hahahahaha. After that he was like gave up then we off because the time showed 12am something and I got very sleepy at that time.
Back to the story. I received a message from him on Facebook a week ago after that night. He asked my phone number again. That was the day where my grandpa just passed away. And that was the day where the internet line was so retarded! To open that Mr. J's message took a very long time on that night. Once it opened, I just gave him my phone number because I was thinking, why not? Right peeps? I know right. Haha. After 20 minutes something, he messaged me! I was so glad because I'm not lonely again, I finally have a friend to chat with! So our friendship goes well until this day.
He is so handsome and I bet every girl want him so bad. One thing about him that really caught my eyes is that he is very nice. Some says he has a playboy-looking. I noticed that he never date a girl before this but I'm not that sure. Yeah, I think he has a playboy-looking. Just look at him, he's so handsome, no wonder bah. He always find me everyday and I am so happy being with him. He doesn't stop finding me, what is that means? Haha. Okay, this life isn't mine. I will let everything happens if it wants to, I'm not the one who control this universe. If we both have that faith, sure everything will be okay, we will further our relationship. I won't reject because he's that perfect. I won't let go of a perfect guy that is volunteer to come and knocked my heart. But if we don't have that faith, I'll be fine too.

I didn't put much hope anyway, as long as he always make me smile and that I can smile again like I used to be at the past.

I miss you.

I am that childish granddaughter he ever had in this world. I can only get to meet him once in a year, that is when the Hari Raya Aidilfitri is around the corner. I still remember the time when I was just a little. He taught me how to made a moneybox using an old fine coconut. He advised me to have the saving-money habits all the time. Whenever I went there, I always ask him to get a coconut for me to have the water inside of that coconut. I love to drink that even until now. He loves to spend his money to buy firecrackers for me because he knows I love those thing. Time passes that fast isn't it? He's now gone, leaving us this early morning. That bad news shocked me a lot. I don't wanna cry in front of my family. But when I get inside the bathroom, I'm like breathless. I can't stop myself from crying, so I just sit in that bathroom and cried. I haven't meet my dad today because he had been there at Beaufort a few days ago. I hope my dad will be strong enough to face the situation. I can't wait to see my atok again. I had visited him yesterday and got back home last night. I couldn't believe that I need to go back there again just to see him leaving us.

All those memories we had, I will keep that in my heart forever.

My so-far school days.

Hello I'm back but with a short post to show that I'm still alive haha.
I'm so exhausted. I feel boring everyday with books books books. Plus, I have the marching practice every evening. Now my face became darken than before but of course I still look cute haha joking. Then I'll be very busy after the Chinese New Year's Holidays. I need to attend tuition classes. It torturing me but I don't mind because what I need to focus is just my SPM. No more wasting time, ughh.
So far school threated me much better than last year, I feel very satisfied with all the teachers and also on what they had taught. Chinese New Year plans? I got some. My friends and I planning to go to our Chinese friends' house. But my mom told me that we will go to Beaufort visiting my aunt's family there and of course we will celebrate the day with them. If I've been given the choice to choose between my friends and my family, I would really love to go with my friends. But somehow I still haven't got an idea now. But still it doesn't really a big deal, it just the same thing. Yet friends are much awesome right? I know right.
Talked about today's school. I got my marching practice this evening so I stayed with my best friends before the practice begins. We went to the canteen outside the school area and ate our lunch. After staying there for almost 1 hour, we went back to school. I was so surprised, I was so shocked!
Okay I don't feel like wanna share about that here, haha! I did nothing about that. I just smiled.

First secret of 2012.

Hey everyone. I’ve been very busy lately with my school stuffs and I just don’t have any chance to get myself on the internet. Biasalah kan, no internet service at school time, my dad said that to us. So, maafkan Datin yer? Hahahahaha.

Actually there’s a thing I wanna share here. I know some of the readers will get bored very quickly but I appreciate if there’s some of the readers that are willing to hear this.

Last year when I was in Form 4, I suddenly saw this guy. He shocked me so much that I probably could run towards him. I don’t know his name and I don’t know where he was studying before he came to the school of mine. He was in Form 6, the first year students of Form 6 actually. I think he was in the science class. To make this simple for me to explain, I will just call him Mr. Twins.

Mr. Twins comes to school every day with his neat-looking, he wears extra T-shirt in his school uniform, it was the same T-shirt he wears most of the time which is in blue colour. He has a charming eyes and his look attracted me. He has a nerd-looking mainly on his hair, but he looks so fine for me. Sometimes I really hope that I can touch his hair. He is so handsome and when we passed by each other, I can’t stop looking at him and I will turn my head back to look the way he walks by. He looks skinny but actually he is taller than me. I love the way he walk. One day, my best friend and I went to the toilet located near his class which is at the second floor. When we were walking on the stairs, he and his friends were walking down. So we passed by each other and I can’t stop staring at him. My best friend said he can speaks Chinese. I can’t stop smiling when I saw him.

I called him Mr. Twins because when I saw him, he reminds me of someone. Someone which I really dear, someone which I really love. Both of them have the same eyes, hair, ears, mouth and face. They have the same good-looking. Both of them could speaks Chinese. I smiled every time I saw Mr. Twins, but tears sometimes come along with me. There is a time I really wanna get to know him more, and maybe we can be friend. But I don’t do that because I really don’t know him. I don’t even know his name, I don’t know even a thing about that guy. I feel like I wanna hug him even though we do not know each other. I really have a huge desire to hug him and ask him to not leave me anymore. I wanna tell Mr. Twins that I miss him so much. I miss everything and I miss playing with his hair. I miss playing with him. I have those feelings towards him. But whatever it is, he was just a stranger that I called Mr. Twins. Lots of questions attacked me. WHY MR. TWINS LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM? If I’ve been given a last chance that come only once in a lifetime, I would choose to hug Mr. Twins. Because the guy that I love so much, maybe he might not be here for me anymore. It’s the only medicine for the pain I have now. After that I will let go and then next will be God’s decision. But like I said just now, he was just a stranger that I called Mr. Twins. Thanks to God for giving that guy. I really don’t know him, but he made my day. Seeing him every day in a far distance, I think that could cure my empty heart. Thanks, stranger.

Wish you guys a great day ahead. Till then.

Happy born day to me!

Happy sweet 16 to myself! Finally, I'm officially 16. Bohoooo.
I wanna thank my family for kindly celebrated this blessed day of mine, even though the celebration was just simple, but I feel grateful anyway. And those who kindly wished me for this day, thanks you guys, hehehehe.
I'm finally 16! And that means I need to be mature and think like a 16 mature teenage. Kan? Because celebrating birthday every years means that you're getting old by year. So, bila makin tua, sikap pun mesti makin matang kan? Naa, no more wasting time after this I swear, my aim for now is just to get straight A's on my SPM. I won't put much hope on that, the confidence is enough, and just the efforts that count. Kan?
I just wish to be a good person, a good daughter to my beloved parents, a good sister to my brothers, a good Muslim in the future and a good best friend to my three darling. And you know what, they were the earlier that wished me today! I feel so happy! Except for Audrey. I thought she had forgotten and I feel sad at the beginning of this day. But suddenly she came with a message just now, and wished me! She said she wanna be the last person to wish me. I cried because it really touched me inside. Thanks to three of you!

I love you guys, bye! Till then.

Rest in peace my dear friend.

I was so shocked to heard that one of my schoolmate had passed away yesterday. I went for a walk at Facebook yesterday and almost everyone posted about his death. I know all of his buddies feel extremely upset about the news. Although I didn't really know him, but losing one of my schoolmate make me sad. I always saw him around the school. I know that he is a good person and a good buddy to all his gang. Everyone is talking about how nice he is towards everyone and he is a guy who always treat girls nicely. I cannot join my friends to visit him for the last time, but I will always pray for him. He will always be in everyone's heart. May God place him among the believers.

There are few things absolutely certain in life, but death is one of them. Everyone has a birth date and everyone will have a death date. Knowing that our loved one is gone, it teach us to be strong in life because death is one of our life challenges arranged by Him. We should be prepared in whatever conditions in life. Love yourself. Love those who are closest to you. And, if your can, love as many people as you can. And live a loving life. Take loving actions. For it is the actions you take - not simply you thoughts about people - that are likely to be your last thoughts as the life that you are leaves its worn out shell to return home from when it came.

Rest in peace Dreitzmer. We love you! And will going to miss you always.

What a day!

First of all you guys need to know is, today is a very disappointing day for me. Last night was the same as today too I'm sure. I really really feel disappointed.
In this fast paced world, we hardly see each other. We spent our time dealing with machines, computers and use gadgets more often than in the past. However, our perspective on life has changed as well. Friendship has become more important. And we really treasure our friends. We look forward to have great time with them and we count our lucky stars when we're blessed with good friends who're there for us in times of need.
How about love then? Yes, its popular notion that "love begins with friendship". A relationship with between a man and a woman can evolve and bloom into love that bounds them forever. But today I would like to know where's the line between friends and lover? Which relationship is stronger?
And this is my opinions.
Our friends are there all the time. They know our weakness and strengths and they don't judge us for lame reasons. They correct us if we're wrong, motivates us, cheer us when we're down and appreciates our company genuinely. Love comes and goes, but friendship lasts forever! It is said that "the poorest man on earth is the one without friends".
So will you agree if I say that friendship is stronger than love?
Sometimes, friendship is stronger than love. I finally realize the meaning of this. Sometimes, friendship is just stronger than the love you feel towards a person. Sometimes friendship lasts longer than a relationship. Sometimes, friendship is just on a higher level than love. You can tell a best friend anything and they’ll listen and help you out. But sometimes you can’t tell a person you like about the same situation. There are just some things that you feel more comfortable talking to a close friend than a person who you should actually feel like telling everything too. I understand this.
Best friends. It's hard to find them in this harsh world I'm telling you. They are the best in life. I have my own best friends and I love them so much. They have been part of my life and they had taught me a lot, I learned lessons and I learned that love isn't very important and stronger as friendship. Love comes and goes. You will know that when you choose your love one instead of your best friends, you will feel regret. Once your love is gone, you will notice that what you really need at that dark time was just your friends. Appreciate your best friends, they are everything. Unless if you disagree about those statement I've made, you can just get the hell out of here and fuck yourself.

Have a bless everyone, will update more soon!