Give me strength.

Staying late up until this midnight is not what I want. I actually felt so sleepy. But I suddenly thought of something and it was about him going to leave to Tuaran very soon. This laptop has been turned off for awhile just after I went to bed. I search for songs in my phone for me to listen to until I fell asleep. There is this song, which is a sad song, and both of us just simply love this song lately. I just couldn't hold myself and I cried. It was stupid. I was like "I can do this." before and now I was knocked down completely for no reason. He will be going there for just 3 months and why am I need to be this weak? Maybe it was the atmosphere that surrounded me just now. It was late at night of course, so it was dark and cold in my bedroom. The situation suddenly became quiet. I just felt like I wanted a warm hug, so that I can sleep soundly. Plus, the song playing in the middle of the night, I just couldn't stop myself from being such an emotional person. I guess I was the only one in this world exactly at this time that being so emotional now. It is not easy for me though, I don't have my best friends around so I always feel lonesome. Back then in school, they were my happiness. I always advise my friends, whenever they feel sad, try to figure out what are the things that they can do to make themselves forget all of their sadness. I just knew that their presence is the only thing that could make me forget all of my sadness. And now, without them, I just don't know what to do.

Just a boring update.

As usual I met him today and we have made a lot of crazy stuffs, like we used to do every time.

My current plan for the first 3 months of year 2013 is to get a part-time job. For now, I have not found any job yet. The main factor is that I have no friend at all, I am too afraid to do the part-time job alone by myself as it is my first experience to do it. I am so desperate in finding some pocket money for myself since I am so poor now. Actually I have been complaining this to my mom so many times but she just kept her mouth shut, no response at all. I just could not move on with this life without money.
After all, seeing my brothers managing their school stuffs such as their new trendy school bags, pencil boxes, school uniforms and school shoes made me smile for awhile. I started missing school and the teachers. I soon realized that I will be going through a wonderful journey that exposes the real world. I finally will move on to the next step after secondary school! Long story short, I just can't wait to be exposed to the new world.

Besides, I'm still counting on the days until the National Service program. 8 days to go!

Nevertheless, our 9th monthsary is around the corner hahaha it feels so good!

I am so glad that both of us had reached to this far. I feel like this relationship I had now is the most wonderful thing that ever happened. Being with him I feel like I am always in a protection. Though my friends always remind me to not have high expectations on this relationship that we had (they are really true!) but I believe that if both of us appreciate each other, there is nothing we can't handle.

I just hope that everything went well on what both of us have now ♥
Good night fellas, until then.

Really going to miss you.

It will be 10 days from today until the National Service program, which is on 5th January of 2013. It is not me who will be going to the program. It was him. I cannot describe this feeling I have now very well, but I am pretty upset about this thing. Not going to see him for 3 months, although I will be there (I had promised) with his family to visit him, it is not easy for me.
I just met him this evening. When he drove me home, I suddenly thought of this, which nearly made me burst into tears. Since the radio in the car was turned on completely loud that my breath couldn't be heard, I hold it very hard.
I just promised myself that I won't make things that upset him, or make him angry, and etc. The program is around the corner, the time we have now to meet each other can be counted with my own fingers. I met him many times lately. And before the day the program is held, I will try my best to make him happy, I swear I will not mad at him just for a simple thing. I'm going to create the sweetest memories with him before the day of the program. Please know that I always will be there to love you, even if I do not say 'I love you'. And I am going to miss you all the time! And I will be waiting for you after the end of the program with an open arms. It is just 3 months long, we can make it, it is not a big deal isn't! I love you.

I will be there waiting for you and play the thumb fight together, like we always do all the time. :)

This week was terrible.

It was so sad that I couldn't meet him for this whole week. Probably for the next week either. I'm done crying with pillows beside me. Sometimes, I wanted to do crazy things. I did think of wanna meet some of my boy friends to make him jealous to death. But "think before act" has been my guider since a long time ago. It was the dumbest thing to be done, I won't try them ever. I miss him a lot that I didn't want to tell him, because I always know the response won't make my day. He seems okay for everything that I don't. I was trying and keep trying until now, how can I make it okay for myself. I can't. But seeing my other best friends being tougher than me, as they are going through even worse experiences than me, I know I can develop well on this. I think I just need time. Even though crying at night was a tiring, but seems like it helped me a lot on expressing things, I don't care at all.
I always miss you.

I'm done throwing some shits out of me.

Boy, that was sweet.

We supposed to meet each other today, I was so excited as I was waiting for you to come back from KK and then we will spend our time eating the donuts you had bought. I was kinda sad before this because couldn't be with you on the 1st of September, which was yesterday.

It was our five monthsary, couldn't believe we can get until this far. I was so proud of you for loving me till this day.

You went to KK yesterday so I was like never mind though, and you said today you'll meet me and on that time, I was so happy! Being with you is the point, it was not about getting to meet you today bringing the donuts that I asked for. But so sad that it was already late on that time, and I knew you will be here around 5pm in the evening. That hurts me so much. My best friend can get to meet her boy everyday but in my case, I can't and it is not easy for me. Today is the day, but why should this happened? So I sighed and sighed and sighed until I cried. It was really difficult.

The thing is, you're not here on our five months was the hardest for me to break through. I was so bad today treated you so badly. I gave short texts for you and I sometimes ignored you. I was so selfish isn't? I never wanted to think positively about everything that was going on. I knew that you just couldn't do anything anymore. You tried so hard to make me laugh, but I didn't give any positive feedback. I was so bad, you should punch me, or bite my face because I was so bikin panas kan.

When you drove to my home just to give me the donuts, I was so happy, I felt like wanted to hug you so tight because I miss you. I felt like we didn't meet each other for like months, padahal baru berapa hari, still can count how many days apalah si Dayang ni. I wanted to say sorry for a thousand time or maybe more if I could. I never thought my behavior was so childish this time, I had treated you so bad. I knew you hated me for that and I am so sorry. If you read this, I wanted you to know that I love you this big (big like the universe), I promised I won't hurt you anymore.

Happy five monthsary! I'm so sorry. Thanks for everything.

This thing should be uploaded untuk kasi jealous orang ngeeeeeee bye!

FOB.

Girls seem like you so much. You are handsome, well-dressing, good-looking guy. They wanted to ‘kirim salam’ you and wanted to tell you that they love you. I was here sitting, holding my breath, trying to act like I am always okay. I feel insecure, honest. I don’t know how to express this verbally but I know how to write them. Don’t ask me why I couldn’t just tell you straight. You know me. Why oh why. Fuck off bitches, I can’t keep this any longer.

partama kalinya~ xD

bgini baini..ini prtama kali baini sy tulis blog..sy pun tda tau la apa mo ckap dii..
sy mo ksitau stu sja sma kamu..sy sayang si dayang..
sy rndu dia..lama suda tda jmpa..haha
c dyg sot!!

Please, just read, no asking.

I really had the hardest time keeping my sadness inside, especially when it was school time. I'd never been good at vocalizing my emotions or expressing pain verbally. So if somebody tells me to prefer telling face to face about this, I won't. I think I'm good at writing instead of expressing something by my own mouth. I hope it could be understood clearly before I begin anything here.
I have a friend, my best friend, my sister, my everything. I love her with my whole heart. But the worst thing I ever had is that our friendship is getting lose nowadays. I felt that way since our Semester 1 exam. People asked me, are you guys having a fight or what? I told them I had to had my own time reading books because hello, it's exam, what do you expect? Exam is important for a nerd like me.
I do not mean that when I am with her, I won't have time reading and lastly brought to a worst marks for my papers. Not like that. She wasn't one of the reasons why I kept a distance between us, and I didn't want to! And I didn't meant to say that the exam is more important than her, that was not true!
When I was with her, I always try to have a great conversation with her like the old times, but eventually I can't. She seems happy with her boyfriend and what do you want me to do, interrupt them? No way, it is not good. They're sweet and I love seeing that, and I feel happy for her life now. I thought she will be okay if she has her boyfriend around instead of us. Why? Because we have to study for our papers. At that time, all we think was just the papers we will have to fight for. So we thought that we should spent the time that we had by studying. That's all. And don't get confuse, everyone in the class were busy reading their books, so it means we talked less, really like damn less. Everyone was feeling stressful, and so am I. By that, I thought I should leave her with her dearest boyfriend and me with my dearest books. That's all.
I read her blog recently and by that, I saw one of her post. I cried okay, satisfied with that? I didn't meant to hurt her by that way. I really thought that she will be okay as I really was busy with my exam. I never, or we never wanted to leave you like that.
Last Friday was the last time I met, or we met you, and the last time we've spoken. I wanted to cry okay? But I wasn't that type of person, crying in front of their best friends was something like superb makes my shy like fuck. We have planned to meet each other on this school holidays but I know that she wasn't allowed to go out this day. I don't know how to fix the things between us. I don't know how to talk to her after the holidays! I don't know how to fix everything.
We didn't have the gut to say goodbye on that last Friday, I didn't saw you but I felt sorry, I can't stay too long so I don't have time to find you. I hope you will have a great holidays. Mine was like hell but tomorrow I will see my personal assistant hahaha. I miss him like so hard. I miss him and I miss my best friends as well. Balance enough?

Okay bye. Hey Jason I love you HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

We're going to move out soon.

For the public's information, I'm going to move to a new house soon! I think we'll be moving out on this two weeks of school holidays. I can't wait though as the new house was looking pretty, decorated by my lady boss of the house. But things are getting worse in our old house now, too much of things need to be cleaned up and need to be boxed up (do we have that phrase in English?) I mean I need to put those our things that will be sent to our new house in the boxes. That was somehow makes me tired. I hope our house have servant to do those works!

It has been 1 month and 27 days we have been together! Soon we'll be reached to our 2 months. Why am I telling that?

Saja, mau minta puji sikit. Hahahaha!

Okay I've met his eldest sister and I was like can't talked at that time. I feel shy and that was a shit. I just can smiled to her and that was a shit too. I don't know why I was acting in that way but I do knew, that was terrible and can be classified as shit too. I miss you by the way. Have a great time you!

I saw this at Tumblr and guess what, I'm fucking hungry.

I hope we can make this lasting.

It has been 1 month and 13 days we have been together. Well honestly, I feel really happy being with you. I never feel like this before, and I think you changed the whole me. I’ve been dated for 2 guys and what I can conclude about myself when I am with them was that I was so childish and I love to say something which can hurt them. I feel like my attitude when I am with them was so embarrassing. When you came, you totally changed me. We never fight, we always tease each other, you love holding my hand and I love to smell your cologne. It just your family already knew about me, especially your sister! But I haven’t told mine. My mom was like curious knowing that I always go out to somewhere. I think I will tell her soon, I just can’t find a suitable time. Time flies fast isn’t it, we had spent so much of our time together, and I will always remember the way you are trying to hug me but you eventually haven’t really made that move. Haha! I hope I can hug you too, but well you know, I feel shy telling you that. We talked a bit for our future. I mean your future with your success and my future with my success - I love everything about you.

We met just now and it was officially our 7th date. You hold my hand like there was just us two in this world and you ignored people that are passed by. You hold my waist tight and I feel like you were protecting me.

Hold this relationship as tight as you can okay, because I will.

Feeling like wanna throw up? Haha. Have a great day everyone.

I'm madly in love.

The time currently shows 12.12am.
Here I am again with a story. Not so interesting but I guess I just wanna express this feeling of mine.
So, what I could say is that tomorrow will be our first monthsary! One month completed and yeay, we made it to this far. Not really that fucking far but enough said, we made it to this day and it feels so good. You guys should feel lucky because no one knows about our relationship but just the bloggers. I didn't admit a thing to my friends at school, but of course my best friends do know about this, they cannot miss a thing and that this one need to be spread to three of them.
I feel lucky to have him as I never met a guy like him. He is open-minded and sporting and that's what actually really matter. That's what caught my eyes as well as my fragile heart. For short, I'm madly in love with capital JK❤!
Wanna know a bit about this guy? Haha.
He's a lanky guy with a cute eyes. He got chinese-look. He wears simple but no doubt he's handsome no matter what shirt he wears. Not that educated BUT he got that hard-working attitude which you can't find it from me. He knows driving! He looks cool from far when driving. So sad that I'm a shorty and he's so taller than me, I'm so lack of height and I don't know how do we look together.

I simply love him, that's what really matter.

Something was wrong on me today.

I'm going to show my bravery tonight in this post about everything that I kept in me. I wanted to tell a long time ago but I think now was the right time to, errr you know, sharing.
It has been 18 days since 1st April 2012. I'm so happy. But suddenly I cried now. We were having a nice conversations as always, telling jokes and then teasing each other but in a good way. I teased him once just now and I think he didn't like it at all so he was like rebuked me but also in a good way. I didn't know what happens on me, I felt bad so I cried. Then he said he wanted to study, I know and I understand that, but it feels like unfair to me, I wanted someone to accompany me. But it was okay, fine, why should I be mad for something like that. See, everything starts from me, everything should blame on me.
And then I was thinking about my family. There was once, I was having a fight with my parents. They really put a lot of pressure on me lately. I always do house works but they don't care about it. But when I made a really small mistake or when I forgot to do the house works, they will shout at me. It's always the same every time. They didn't appreciate me at all. Besides, they prevent me from going to the tuition but when they saw me without opening my books, they will shout at me again. So I was wondering, what they want from me actually? I once heard my mom yelled at me at the living room when I was in my bedroom hiding. She reminded me to not disappointed her because she had prepared a lot for me includes the tuition classes and so on. The part that I hate the most is that she wanted me to get straight As without excuses. I cried in my bedroom making no noise. I was so shocked to heard that from my mom. She put more pressure on me and I still feel it this day. She never wants to understand me. Please understand me, the subjects I took for my SPM wasn't as easy as you thought. It takes a lot of efforts for me to catch up the entire subjects. It will be easier for me to catch all of them up if I was really that fucking clever. But the reality is, I am a dumbass, so, try to not expect much from me. I am really a dumbass. I would do anything to make you proud mom, but never challenge me in that way because I don't feel like being motivated, but I feel hurt instead.
I'm still crying, haha! I feel useless.

My new life begins now.

I went to the school with a sleepy face and the huge laziness of mine. Hoping that today's routine at school will come to its end as fast as possible. I hate books nowadays and I don't know why!
So when I reached my class, I asked my friends around me about what was going on when I was not around (as I had a competition last week, so I didn't touch any of my book last week because I was busy thinking about the competition). They told me that there was a looooooooooooooooooot of school works to be done. And there was a looooooooooooooooooot of notes that I had missed. How great was that? Great like shit, great like hell!
I started to have that stress feeling in me, it grows inside me sloooooooowly. Additional Mathematics, Mathematics, Biology, Chemistry and oh my gosh, Physics either. I really missed a lot. I need to catch up all of them before they eat me.
When I was doing my Additional Mathematics' works while actually I was in a English class, I noticed that my teacher started to stare at me. I felt scared of course and in the end, I finally closed my books for a while. I looked down and started to cry. The pressure I had at the moment overcame me. White flag is raised at my side. I think I should blame myself for everything that came to this situation. I cried a bit, no one saw that silly moment of mine. I wiped those tears and started all over again. Keep calm and raise the calculator! Hahahahaha.
This day, I didn't spent so much of my time with my best friends. I was in a rush all the time, there were a lot of works to be done, I didn't wanna leave my school works anymore. Never, I swear. Enough for me to cry by myself in the class today because of the stress that overcame me.

Here I come with my first test result!

Bahasa Malaysia - 74%
Bahasa Inggeris - 70%
Mathematics - 70%
Additional Mathematics - 37%
Biology - 40%
Chemistry - 49%
Physics - 48%
Pendidikan Islam - 67%
History - 64%
English for Science and Technology - 53%

Honestly, with these result, I better go die! Such a dumbass I am.